Christmas

This time of year has been a lot different this year because of everything that happened these last couple months. It has been really hard for Mac, which has affected me too. It’s her first Christmas without her dad, there for getting her out of the house has been hard. I miss him and I miss her being happy but I know it will come with time.

 

The last few weeks I have been writing the letters for my book which has been adding to the amount of emotion. I didn’t realize how much I missed Aaron and my little grandma, Christmas has felt odd since my grandma passed but this year it feels a lot different.

 

I know during the break it wont be as hard because I will have some time to let my brain clear. I am planning on mostly relaxing, starting some new paintings and studying for the English exam.

 

Cass

I kind of stopped waisting time

Staying on track these last few weeks hasn’t actually been all the difficult for me, but I don’t think it has anything to do with the tips that we had to find a couple weeks ago. What has actually been helping me stay on track is keeping in mind when things are due and how long they will take for me to do. Maybe the tips we found online help other people, but for me it didn’t seem to be working. Instead I came up with my own methods. As simple as it is, I have started to put things in my calendar app in my phone and get an alert the day before it needs to be done. I have also just been working more outside of school hours, and I find I am much more productive because I don’t have the distraction of talking to anybody face to face.

Even though I have been staying on track, we have had more “B” tasks this year and that makes complete sense. But it feels like I can’t dedicate as much time to my actual project time, which in my case is actually kind of okay. I have started writing parts of my work, and it’s been really hard for me to work on them at school, because I have been crying every time I try and write. I don’t mind crying in front of other people but it doesn’t seem to stop. My writing is sad, and that’s somewhat the point of it. I just wish it wasn’t so mentally draining. I know it will become less numbing to write at some point, it’s just hard at the moment. Nonetheless, I have been on track. Most of my project work is done at home and I keep my “B” tasks for at school. This may not be the best way to keep on top of everything, but for now it’s working.

Next Monday, I am going to teach my art lessons and I can’t wait! I’m so excited to make a small connection with these kids. I have no doubt with how well this is going to go and I am looking forward to having this experience.

-Cass 🙂

Partnership with a School

This week has been off to a slightly bumpy ride, and a huge amount of stress has gotten me to where I am now. Luckily my project conference went over well, and I feel a bit more stable about where I am in my project. I have been in contact with Danika’s mom, who is a teacher at B.E Glaven school, about getting a day to teach some of my art lessons.

The response was great. So far, we have three different teachers interested. I will be going to B.E Glaven on December 4^th and will be spending the whole day teaching. I am still in the process of finalizing the details like how many kids there will be, how much supplies I will need, and what type of timeframe I will have.

In the last few weeks I have gotten a lot done. I believe that is why my conference went so well. I have checked 18 box’s in my milestones and action steps, and there are at least 5 more that I am close to checking off.

Even though this week started off slightly bumpy, I am feeling much better about where my project is going and the week ended on a happier note because of my partnership with Danika’s moms school.

Cassy

“We accept the love we think we deserve”

A quote I was obsessed with when I was still the most angsty teenager you could imagine. This quote was far too over used but will always be relevant.

Last year in March me and my best friend had a huge falling out, she started dating a guy who used to bully her. By “used to” I mean a month or two before they started dating. There wasn’t much time for him to change enough for him to deserve her. To her that wasn’t a good enough reason not to be with him because she claimed he had changed and at this point all I could do I respect her dissension and make sure he’s treating her right by being supportive. Except it was hard to be supportive because I know his past, I know how much he hurt my friend and somehow she wanted to be with him. As much as   I told her that she deserved better when putting up with awful boys, she didn’t think it was possible to find better. Maybe this new boy is better for her, maybe he did change but maybe she just thinks it isn’t possible to find better

This friend was supposed to come to Scotland with me this summer so it would be easier for me to spend time with my dad. We had been planning it for almost a year, so I was excepting it to be less stressful as my dad wasn’t always the most rational thinker. Her flight costs would be covered by her grandmother– all she’d have to save would be spending money. We’d been planning together for a long time, and she seemed to be on board, but at the end of March she told me that she wouldn’t be able to come anymore. She wanted to focus on work and she’d rather travel after university. This felt odd and was extremely frustrating, because to me it didn’t make sense. Why wouldn’t she want to go on a trip to Scotland where the only costs that needed to be covered were her flight and spending money?

Looking back, this was a turning point in our friendship. We drifted apart exponentially since June. Thinking about it still hurts me, but since then I’ve grown. The wound is still bleeding, and I know it’ll affect my art this year. I’m sitting here, looking back at the first words on this blog. It taunts me, but I know it’s for a good reason. I started to tell this story because she believes that she deserves this hurtful boy, which angered and upset me; but halfway through, I realized I also put up with her. She continually pushed me away and belittled me, and I still cared about her. I thought that’s what love was, kept putting myself in that situation.

We accept the love we think we deserve. Why don’t we stop settling for less than what we do?

Cass

Proof of Concept

Through the first week of working on my POC (Proof of Concept), I slightly struggled to dive into it. At the start of the week the hospital finally emailed me back, saying that due to the risk of the children catching a disease I wouldn’t be able to work with them, this was something I expected but it still mentally put me back.

My backup plan is to work with a school, hopefully along the same lines as ceiling tiles, but really as long as I get to try teaching art I’m happy with it. My POC is going to be part of me contacting the school, as my POC I will be building a lesson plan and then teaching the class. When I contact schools about teaching I will include lesson plans I have already made. I have already started to develop a lesson plan and make a list of supplies I will need, as well as went to Art Junction to check out what kind of supplies they have. Which helped me think of activity ideas for the kids.

This week I will continue to work on lesson planning and by next week I am hoping to be in contact with schools.

-Cass

And we’re back!!!

Wow…. Grade 12.

It has been so hard to grasp the feeling that its already my last year of high school, probably because last year I spent a semester working on photography. But hey, I am in grade 12 even if I’m not ready to admit it. Being back has been odd, but in a good way. I feel better than I did last year for sure.

Last year I got really close with two of the grade 12s, they helped me get through last year and they’re one of the biggest reasons I wanted to come back to propel. I really wanted to have the same effect on new students who hadn’t experienced the program. So far this year I’m getting along with everyone and hopefully through the year I will help people like the returning 12s did for me.

This semester my project is going to be much different, I have completely dropped photography. My project this year is based around art and teaching, I am hoping to teach kids at the children’s hospital or through a school about art techniques and when to use them then with the new techniques they will paint ceiling tiles.

-Cass

Noël

merry christmas eve eve

Through the break i will be doing at least one photo shoot and hopefully i will have those edited by the time we get back. I won’t have all that much time to work on my project because of family things

Tomorrow i have my first of four christmas party’s so it will be very busy, hope you all have lovely holidays. 

Cassy:-)

so much crying (in proportions)

 

This week has been a lot of stress about my project. The stress has only made me work harder. I know my project doesn’t seem that extravagant and that it could be bigger and that my pictures could mean more than just “I like them”. But honestly that’s what my project is, it’s what I like. It is not a business and it is not my future, but it is something I care deeply about and feel that it will make at least me proud. This project is for no else but me; it’s for me to prove to myself that I’m much more than I like to believe. It’s for me to know I’m capable of doing something I love without constant reassurance from others. This project of decent pictures of my friends edited to how I want is my all. This project is taking everything I have in me to get through without crying at every small bump in the road. This project is filled with tears, filled with what ifs, filled with “I can’t do this anymore”s and filled with constant screams coming from the inside. Nonetheless this project is my biggest hope and dream, or my past biggest hope and dream. It has been a roller coaster of emotions just like everything else in my life.

My project will never be something huge and spectacular. But it will be something that matters to me. I know it will matter because I have put so much tears and effort into it.

No one will ever truly understand how strongly I feel towards my project. Not even I completely understand how I feel about it. Some days I love it more than anything else and on others I hate it with every fiber of my being. I know I love what I’m doing deep down. I know that this project is going to mean a lot to me. I know that I will also hate everything about my project once I’m done. Everything that I’m doing either makes me extremely happy or extremely stressed. There has practically been no in between feeling.

This is for myself, for all the nights I spent crying, for all the times I thought I wouldn’t be able to finish this bloody project and for all the times I wished it would just be over.

~Cassy

 

M

For the first time since the begining of the semester, this will be my first blog that Maia has not seen before publishing and I am horrified it will suck more than usual.

Luckily this gives me the opportunity to brag about how amazing she is. Maia is one of the most caring and hard working people I know. She started by helping me with blogs, to helping with project planning, to life problems.

I know its stupid, but entering the Propel program I didn’t think I would actually meet people that would care about me. This thought was one of my dumbest moments and that’s saying a lot because I have a lot of dumb moments. Walking in the first day I felt like I was at my first day at Beliveau. Burke (the only person I thought I would talk to all semester) and I walked in too a room filled of different personality’s. Walking into a room of un-known people, I felt horribly judged. That night I went home and took a nap, woke up and cried because I thought I would only have Burke for the whole semester, this wouldn’t have been bad but we definitely would have hated each other a bit by the end of it.

Fast forward a couple weeks, I have made one new friend and had just started talking to the person I am probably closest with to this day. Now we are tasked to build our classroom, we picked what we would do and started. I decided to work with lights and thankfully so did Maia. During the couple weeks that we chose lights, I really got to know Maia.

Now present day, Maia Woods-Chliboyko. She is intelligent, out going, brave. Maia is the biggest reason I have been able to talk about my feelings, she’s the reason I have looked at social aspects differently and she’s the reason I care so much more about myself. Sadly, I don’t have the same effect on her, I care and she knows and she talks to me about her problems but she doesn’t value or love herself as much as she should. She is an amazing human with such a big heart. Please look up and see the good in yourself, this is not how the rest of your life will be. You grow and so do the people and the environment around you. You will be given so many opportunities so be young while you can and see your importance.

 

“I know its hard

believe me

I know it feels like

tomorrow will never come

and today will be the most

difficult day to get through

but I swear you will get through

the hurt will pass

as it always does

if you give it time and

let it so let it

go

slowly

like a broken promise

let it go”

-Rupi Kaur

not as much crying

When I was about twelve years old, I thought I had it figured out (as dumb as its sounds). I knew what I wanted to achieve in life and I knew how I was going to do it. At this point in time my uncle lived with my family. This made our house a lot more stressful because my uncle has a bit of a temper and so can my mom in certain situations. Nonetheless my uncle was a huge inspiration to my life; he was a photographer. I really shouldn’t say “was”, as he still he is a photographer, but he now he is no longer doing this as his primary source of income. My uncle is the reason I am in this program. He didn’t force me in to this but he is the reason I have such a huge interest in photography. Before I wanted to be a photographer, I wanted to be a chef because of my grandpa and before that I wanted to be a baker because of my grandma. I take interest in what the people I look up to do.

With my uncle constantly in my head when taking pictures I have grown a strong love hate relationship for photography. You would understand this if you knew the whole story about my uncle but the reason there is hate is probably the only part that isn’t confusing. My uncle is my biggest inspiration; without him I would have never discovered the joy in taking pictures. My uncle is also the man who left when I needed him most. My mom married my step dad when I was 13 and in all honesty, I was not excited. Shortly after the wedding my uncle moved to British Colombia. I was full of emotions, and at the time I could not describe them. Now I can address how I was feeling. I was furious, sad, lost and confused. At the time I never wanted to see him again, at the time I wanted to scream at him and now I’m happy that I had to deal with that small feeling of abandonment.

So the biggest reason I decided photography was the way to go is because of my grandpa. My grandfather is a horrible man who cares about no one but himself. My grandfather told me that photography would be a waste of time because “Look how it turned out for your uncle”. Because of this starting a photography business was my number one priority for my future. I decided what schools I would go to and the courses I would take.

And now many years later I am left clueless. Photography is something I will always love and continue to do. But this is not the path I will go down in life. I will not pursue a career in cooking or baking or working in an office where I sit in a cubicle all day.

Of course my 12-year-old self didn’t have the real plan for the rest of my life and honestly my 16-year-old self probably doesn’t have it all figure out. My 16-year-old self does know a couple things for sure, though. 1^st of all, I should have been ecstatic about my moms wedding because my step dad is the most caring man I know. 2^nd, I may have not proven my grandpa wrong but that doesn’t mean I couldn’t if I wanted to. And last but certainly not least, life choices are yours and not your families.